Loving someone when you have depression

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember but it was obvious as I reached middle school. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. 

My depression doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, a year into this relationship, “Wow, someone is in love with me.” I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws.

This intense love is frightening, because every day I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him that it’s not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an “I’m sorry” mumbled from my lips, but I’m just hopeful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning.

Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasn’t given up yet, I’m certain that he is 100% all in.

Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more or fix your hair. Never let anyone make you feel bad about what you can’t always control.

Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love.